"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice" Ephesians 4.13
Soon it it'll be time to "celebrate" Valentine's Day again and I decided to go through a rigorous analysis of the metaphors in Weird Al's unique ode to love, "One More Minute" Please consider this is a love song parody, and should be taken lightheartedly. If you are familiar with Weird Al's work, you'll know what I mean.If you have recently been dumped,or re-re-dumped,I would suggest prayer and fasting and connecting with someone who truly cares about your feelings...............In other words DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. If you've ever had a bad breakup you will be able to relate.
The song begins with a straightforward accounting of the recent events in Weird Al's life
Well, I heard that you're leavin' Gonna leave me far behind 'Cause you found a brand new love,You decided that I'm not your kind.
So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex and I tore all your pictures in two and I burned down the malt shop where we used to go.Just because it reminds me of you. Poor Al seems to be willing to suffer for this relationship. As a resident of California, his act of arson is subject to between three and eight years in jail. But there's no metaphor at issue yet.
That's right, you ain't gonna see me cryin' I'm glad that you found somebody new 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass. Than spend one more minute with you
Now things get more interesting. Obviously, Al isn't going to live forever,(unless he is born again,which seems unlikely at the time of his writing this song) but we can reasonably interpret "eternity" to mean "the rest of his life". So how much glass would Al eat in his lifetime?
The average American lifespan is around 77 years, and the song came out when Al was 26, so we're looking at 51 years of eating glass. Typical human stomachs range in capacity from 1.5 to 4 liters. If we assume that Al eats three square meals of broken glass each day, and that each meal comes in at the low end of capacity, that's 4.5 liters per day, or 256,230 liters of glass in his lifetime. How many bottles would Al have to smash to get that glass? Let's figure that a 16-oz. bottle (roughly 0.57 liters) can be shattered into glass representing about half as much volume, or 0.285 liters, meaning that Al will need 899,052 typical soda bottles to meet his commitment. Let's hope he can buy them wholesale! or not.
I guess I might seem kinda bitter You got me feelin' down in the dumps'cause I'm stranded all alone in the Gas Station of Love and I have to use the self-service pumps
If Al is stranded at the self-service pumps, assuming he drives a car with about 20 mpg fuel economy, and
does about 15,000 miles per year, with an 18 gallon gas tank (assuming he fills up every time he hits 16 gallons), he'll fill up 46.9 (call it 47) times. Assuming he saves about $0.30/gallon by not using the full-service pumps, he'll pocket $281.Lets just pray his his sake and ours that the gas prices level out. So this doesn't work out badly for him -- actually, it's just about perfect.
Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase.You ain't gonna break my heart in two' cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face,Than spend one more minute with you
Talk about getting rid of baggage.The paper cuts sound painful, but it's not much of a sacrifice on Al's part. How much blood do we get out of a paper cut? This proved hard to estimate, Since it draws about 0.3 micro liters, we'll guess a paper cut comes in at about 0.5 micro liters. If Al gets 100,000 paper cuts on his face, and each one bleeds out .5 micro liters, he'll bleed about .05 liters. A standard unit of blood for transfusion is 495 mL, so since Al has only lost about 1/10 the amount of blood needed for a transfusion, the odds are good he'll live through this one and just need a ton of batman band-aids.
I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork,Than watch you going out with other men.I'd rather slam my fingers in a door,Again and again and again and again and again
As for ripping out his intestines with a fork, the procedure is called seppuku.It involves a sword called a wakizasi which has a blade about 20 inches long, roughly three times the length of typical forks so if Al tries to commit seppuku with a fork --- he's in a lot of trouble. This may be his intent -- since Al doesn't mention having a second, he's probably trying to commit jumonji-giri which is an enhanced version that's even more painful than the standard version.Slamming fingers is not that big a deal...it hurts less than a broken heart....Lets continue.......
I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches.Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two...
The leech issue is complicated, because it can depend on two fairly divergent measurements of how much blood a leech can suck out. An article from the Journal of Rehabilitation Research and Development indicates that a leech can suck about 4.7 mL over 3 hours, or roughly 1.6 mL/hour. But another article, admittedly a more popular-science treatment of leeches in medicine, suggests that the correct figure is more like 15-30 mL over a period ranging from 20 minutes to an hour. At an average of 14-18 pints of blood per human adult, it would take one leech (working on 16 pints, or 7.5 liters), about 4687 hours to completely drain Al. Assuming Al doesn't eat or drink anything, since loss of 30% of blood volume can lead to
irreversible shock, it will take the leech about 1406 hours, or 58 days, to finish Al off. He'd die of thirst in just 15 days, though, so 4 leeches would be needed for the job. To do it in one day, he'd need 60 leeches, and at $4.75 a pop, that would mean Al would need to add just $4 to the money he saved from using the self-service pumps at the Gas Station of Love. So he shouldn't act on this for at least a year.
Actually, once the leech gorges itself (according to the pop-science article), it's done eating for up to 18 months while it digests, slowly. Assuming reasonably that 30% of blood volume works out to 2,250 mL, or 150 leeches. Which means he'll really need to spend about 2 1/2 years at the gas station to save up the money for his continued act of love,during which time he might reconsider.As far as the icepick is concerned,that could really hurt depending on which little piggy Weird Al decides to assault.
I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue,Than spend one more minute with you
This always sounded to me like the second-most impressive claim in the song (trailing only the grand finale), but the truth appears to be far more depressing -- it's actually not nearly that much of a sacrifice. According to an article on toilets at Grand Central Terminal ,there are only 32 ladies' stalls, and 6 men's stalls, in the public area, plus 4 more of each in private areas which can be hired out for receptions according to a FAQ a the GCT website. Having said that, the only bathroom listings shown in the GCT web site's directory are on the lower dining concourse, just like the article said was the case prior to the remodeling job it discusses, so it's entirely possible that these figures are accurate. Admittedly, 46 toilets is 46 more than Al is willing to clean with his own tongue, but the lyrics make it sound like we're talking about several hundred.It would be far more impressive if he tried this at Wrigley Field during April or Soldier field during mid December.
Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue,I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades Than spend one more minute with you
How many thumbtacks could get stuck in Al if he jumped into said pile? Well, Al is 6' 0" (from his website), and 170 pounds, so we'll figure that he's got a waist size of about 32", Treating Al as a cylinder, which has a surface area of 2*pi*r*^2 + 2*pi*r*h, and dropping the first term since he doesn't really end in neat circles, we get a rough surface area of 7234 square inches. We'll take off about 20% to deal with deviations from non-cylindricality, for about 5780 square inches. Thumbtacks come in a range of sizes, from 5/16" to 1/2" heads. We'll go with the 5/16" size, assume no overlap, and also assume that he gets completely covered with tacks from rolling around after the initial impact, which means that at 0.31 square inches per thumbtack, Al will be on the receiving end of 18,645 thumbtacks, which works out to $658 worth using the nice nickel-plated ones .That's at $3.53 per box.Sticking the nostrils together with Krazy glue just means Al would not be able to blow his nose for a while so its the less of his sacrifice for love.
So how many razors it would take to fill Al's hypothetical swimming pool? A standard Olympic-sized swimming pool runs 50 meters by 25 meters by 2 meters, or 2500 cubic meters. Browsing the web for straight razor dimensions yields mostly dimensions specified in terms of cases, not blades, but reasonable figures seem to be about six inches long, two inches wide, and a half-inch thick, which means that at .0034 cubic feet per blade, or .00009 cubic meters, it would take 25.4 million blades to fill the pool.
And finally, the ultimate act of self-destruction, Al's concludes:
I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage with my bare hands,And then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'til I die
We can't really speculate on how many stomps Al would get, but we know that you can rip a man's heart out of their rib cage and have it continue to beat, as documented in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where the act was performed by Mola Ram.
Weird Al has helped us to see that being miserable for love can be quite expensive, and fairly painful to boot. So make sure you keep Christ at the center of your relationship and give your significant other a hug today, (if you have one) and you will thank them for saving you several thousand dollars in leeches, thumbtacks, and razor blades....not to mention attorney's fees and jail time. Then take them to your nearest El station to thank them for saving you from having to clean the place. The moral to this song is to get Better not bitter.... Practice Forgiveness because Bitterness will leave you in pain and cost you plenty.Trust God's healing Love to make you better.....So will it be a Happy Valentine's Day????
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"
PB-