Mud Wrestling with God

A few years ago I was seeking the Lord about a situation in my life.My life felt out of control,the future uncertain.Over the summer of 2007 I prayed,I fasted,but something wasn't right.It seemed prayers were bouncing off the ceiling and answers weren't coming.One day I broke down completely and desperately before God,in of all places,the shower.I fell on my face and in despair cried out to God,not caring where I was,who heard me,what I had to do that day and lost all recognition of time.After sobbing a river I heard the gentle voice of God respond to my soul,"Why should I answer your prayer when you are not willing to change your life and behavior? That hit me like a ton of bricks and after some soul searching I knew the Lord was right,Like a spoiled child I had expected him to show up on my behalf,answer my prayer and make life right again,but me,I wasn't willing to budge on my selfishness,my insecurities or my secret sins.So I decided to change,I made a conscience decision of my own will to say no to self,to my lightweight spirituality and by the time I dried off and dressed that morning my phone rang and at the other end was  the answer. God had finally answered my prayer.Not that he didn't hear me months before, but I truly had an "Its not you it's me" moment.You see,in me,there was no deep sobriety,no sense of spiritual urgency.We callously think we can get want we want from God without any such commitment on our part,without the slightest thought of how we live,carelessly disregarding the Spirit's conviction giving him the least,while at the same time expecting the best .While it's true God's merciful grace  is extended,there are other times we have to be like Jacob,get into the dirt of our lives and wrestle in the mud with God,allowing him access to the places we have kept closed off.Having the courage to be completely and utterly vulnerable to him.If we do,if we get so desperate for God's blessing that we refuse to let go of him while letting go of us,we will rise up to meet the challenges of a new day,never to walk the same again,with a new name,a new destiny....Transformed.